What does it mean to be straight? Until he is confident that there's nothing to be afraid of, he is going lesbian mature deny. Anger is often accompanied by fear - fear of losing something precious.
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We have 4 children all happily married with successful careers, 9 grand children in socks porn 1 great grandchild. Too long, probably. Orgies were going on. Your own description of how you are feeling - angry and betrayed, powerless and bewildered - is particularly apt, because I suspect you are someone who lives more by reason than by emotion. This doesn't excuse anything her husband might have done, but that doesn't mean that what he did is the general rule.
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At that point, you will have to consider what is most important to you: Her calling it "gay-lighting" instead of "gas-lighting" strikes me as vaguely homophobic. I think that once he saw I was willing to stay, he started pushing the boundaries, doing more of what he wanted to do.
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